TotalDrama Pornography Story: Noahs Fresh Groove – Chapter Three

Just a quick heads up from me, guys. I do not own Total Drama Island, Total Drama Action, or The Emperor’s New Groove. I hate the fine print…

Nefarious Dealings

I hate that little pipsqueak! Heather yelled. She and Owen were out on the empty football field. Heather was fuming about how she lost her position. Owen was holding a large box full of the Noah coffee mugs.

How dare that egghead fire me! I made him president in the first place! Heather said. Owen placed a mug onto the ground in front of her.

I guess he was kind of harsh, Owen agreed, handing Heather a sledgehammer.

Oooh, I put so much effort into his campaign, and all I ask for is a little piece of the pie! Heather said. She took the hammer and smashed the coffee mug with a mighty blow. Owen grabbed another Noah mug from the box and placed it in the same spot where the now smashed one was.

That know-it-all loser! Heather yelled, smashing the next mug. Once again, Owen placed a new mug there. I gave the best years of my life to make this school ours! And now like that, he fires me! Smash. How could he do this to me . Doesnt he know who I am? Smash. That Noah is (a little to the left, Owen) a dead man! Ill teach him a lesson if its the last thing I do! Smash.

Owen chimed in. Well, you kind of did act like you were class president.

Heather stared at him. Youre saying that this is my fault? she asked angrily.

No, no, Owen said. Its just that, well, Noah is the president. Not you. But vice presidents get great perks to! Like, you dont have to pay for the vending machine, and you can get cuts for the water fountain, and you can eat all the great food that Noah doesnt want!

Shut it, Owen, Heather said. You arent helping. Just stick to putting the mugswait a minute. Heather grinned; an evil grin. If I were president she began.

I know! I know! Owen said. Youd be able to cut to the front of the lunch line!

Heather patted Owens head. And thats just the tip of the iceberg. Im talking being waited on hand an foot. Ruling with an iron fist. Taking total control of everyone. Hanging with the jet set. And more

Yes! Owen cheered. But, wait. One problem. Noahs president.

A situation easily remedied. Ill just get rid of Noah Heather said. Then the vice president becomes president.

But werent you fired? Owen asked.

Were the only three that know about that. Heather said, holding three fingers up. Soon to be the two of us She put one finger down.

Im one of those two, right? Owen asked.

Heather ignored him. Lets go Owen. She and Owen ran back into the school.

The two made their way to a girls bathroom on the fourth floor. An out of order sign was on the door, indicating that nobody ever went there. Heather snuck in.

But I cant go in there, its the girls room! Owen said.

Come on, Owen! Before someone sees! Heather grabbed Owen by the ear and dragged him in.

The duo walked to an old sink at the end of the bathroom. Turn the knob, Owen! Heather commanded. Owen turned the cold water knob.

Suddenly, the tile beneath Heather sprung up, sending Heather shooting through the roof of the school. Wrong knooooobbbbb! she yelled as she went careening through the air.

A few minutes later, Heather came back in, looking like she crashed into the ground pretty hard. Why do we even have that knob she asked. She went to the sink and twisted the hot water knob. The wall in front of them spun, and dropped the two into a cart in an old abandoned spiral staircase. A bar dropped in front of the two as if they were on a roller coaster. A voice said please remain seated and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Owen was excited. Heather was just waiting.

The cart zoomed down the staircase. Luckily, the stairs were so eroded that the ride was smooth. Owen cheered. Yee-ha! Faster faster! Heather, put your hands up! The cart spiraled down several floors to the basement of the school.

When the cart stopped, Heather and Owen jumped out, both of them now wearing laboratory suits, gloves, and goggles. Both made their way over to a chemistry table brimming with tubes and beakers. Ah, the chemistry lab, Heather commented.

Now how should I do this? Heather asked herself, eying the dastardly chemicals. I know! Ill make all of Noahs hair fall out! Hell be so devastated, hell run right out of the school. And then, I take control. Heather laughed, knocking over the hair potion, which found its way to a drain in the floor.

Or, I can poison him with this! Heather said, picking up a vile of pink fluid.

Great Gatsby! Owen said. Poison?!

Keep your shirt on, its not deadly! Heather said. This flask, Owen, contains a potent strain of swine flu. A little bit of this, and Noah will be both forced out of school for a week and shunned when he gets back! Perfect! Heather let out an evil chuckle. Too easy.

Heather held the flask up to the light. Owen! she cried. Its lunch time!

Finally! Owen clapped. Awesome!

*****

Noah entered the lunchroom. He was pleasantly surprised that Heather invited him to a grand lunch, and had even gotten the cafeteria emptied for him. Noah purposely had a light breakfast. He walked to the table where Heather was sitting, and sat down.

Hey, Heather, Noah greeted. By the way, in case this is some ruse to make me make you V.P again, its not going to work.

Dont be silly. Heather feigned a smile. I just wanted to throw this lunch to show you that there are no hard feelings.

Owen entered the cafeteria from the kitchen. He was wearing oven mitts. Okay dudes, he said. I thought we could go with an awesome Polynesian theme. First, well start off with some pineapple kebabs, then move onto the main course; a plate of ribs; Hawaiian style! Well finish with some cake flamb.

Owen Heather said through gritted teeth. What about the drinks?

The drinks? Owen asked. Oh yeahthe drinks. Owen ran into the kitchen and grabbed a tray with three drinks on them. Hope you guys like Shirley Temples, cause–

Owen, Heather whispered. Did you add our special ingredient?

You mean cranberry juice. Of course!

No, I mean the special one? Heather said through her smile, still looking at Noah.

Oh, that one. Owen smirked, remembering the plan. Yep.

Good, Heather said, relaxing. Now serve Noah his drink.

Owen put the tray of drinks down. He was about to pick up the poisoned cup, when Noah said, Is something burning?

Owen panicked. The ribs! He screamed, running into the kitchen, leaving Heather and Noah alone.

So Noah said, trying to make conversation. He seems nice

Sure, Heather replied, anxious for Owen to return.

How much does he weigh again? Noah asked. 260? 270?

UmIm not quite sure

Owen ran back in. Dont worry guys. Saved em. Noah and Heather seemed relieved, probably because Owen broke the awkward environment.

Now give us our drinks, Heather said.

No problem, Owen said, reaching for the drinks. But he had forgotten which one had the poison in it. Owen stopped.

Problem, tubby? Noah asked.

UmI just need to put more ice cubes in them. These drinks are horrible when their hot.

Owen grabbed the tray, and brought it to a table in the back of the cafeteria. He took the drinks out of all three cups and put it into a pitcher. He then shook the pitcher to mix up the drink, and poured the drink back into the three cups.

Owen Heather said. Were getting thirsty Owen quickly ran back.

Here you go, Owen said, looking nervous. But Noah didnt notice. Owen gave Noah his drink and walked to Heather. While handing Heather her drink, he whispered through gritted teeth, Dont drinkpoison Heather got the message, and just dumped the drink into a nearby trashcan. Owen poured his drink into his back pocket. Noah drank the whole thing.

Mmm I have to hand it to you, Owen, he said. You make a mean Shirley Temple. Suddenly, Noah got woozy and collapsed onto the table.

Yes! Heather laughed, now with a real smile. It worked. Now all we have to do is–

Man, Im starving! Noah said as he popped back up. Heather and Owen stared at him in confusion. Owen, Noah said. Hows about those pineapple skewers now? As he finished this sentence, his ears grew much longer and floppy. Heather and Owen were even more confused, but Noah didnt seem to notice.

Cmon man, Noah continued. I have other appointments today Noahs hands turned into paws in front of him. And these ribs better be good, too. Noah sprouted whiskers, and his nose twitched several times.

While Noah was talking, Heather was signaling Owen to knock Noah out. Owen silently crept over to Noah. Noah was covered in brown fur now. All that remained of his human self was his voice and his hair. Owen grabbed a plate from the table, and smashed it over Noahs head. Unfortunately, the plate was made of paper. Can I help you? Noah asked.

Heather gripped her head. Ugg she moaned.

Well Owen started. But after that, he let out a loud fart. A cloud of methane floated up from his pants to Noahs now furry face and sensitive nose, and knocked him out cold.

Heather and Owen walked up to him. Owen? Why is Noah a rabbit!?

Weird, right? Owen asked.

Let me see the flask, Owen? Heather demanded. Owen handed her the empty flask.

This doesnt say Swine flu! Heather yelled. It says rabbit fusion!

You shouldnt print the labels so small! Owen cried.

Whatever, Heather said. We can still make this work. Owen, grab Noah and take him to the woods or something!

But, what about lunch? Owen asked, disappointment in his voice.

Owen, Heather said. We do have priorities.

Not even dessert? Owen asked tearing up.

No– Heather stopped and thought. Well, okay, a little desert.

And coffee? Owen perked up.

Alright, Heather said. Some dessert, a quick cappuccino, then dump him in the woods!

After some dessert and coffee, Owen grabbed the now rabbit Noah, and placed him in a duffel bag.

See? Im the victim here. Just because Heather couldnt stand a little pink slip! And the torture is just beginning.Owen crept out of the cafeteria, holding the duffle bag. The skilled cat burglar, Owen started, is adept at getting out of tight places!

Oh my gosh, hes narrating

The burglar must remain silent and out of sight, Owen continued. He creeps down the old hallways, and out of the great museum. Owen walked out of the school, down a couple of blocks, and into the woods nearby. The woods were part of a park; acres across, filled with trees and the like. There was a zoo and playground inside. Swan boats rested on the lake.

Heres where I let you go, man. Owen took the bag, and prepared to throw it into the woods. He hesitated, knowing that there was a moral issue. What should he do?

Suddenly, on his left shoulder, a miniature version of him, but with a red shirt and devil horns and a tail appeared. Do it, he said in a squeaky voice. Youre in too deep now.

I dont know Owen said. Just then, and small angelic version of him appeared on his right shoulder.

No, Owen, he said. You must stay on the path of light. The straight and narrow.

Devil-Owen spoke up. Dont listen to that pansy over there. Im here to help you on the path to fun-town.

Angel Owen argued, But think about poor Noah. You cant abandon him in the woods. Cold, scared, alone

Hey, Devil-Owen said. We all know that rabbits dont have feelings. Leave him here.

Umyou guys are confusing me Owen said to the two.

Its not your business what happens to that jerk Noah, Devil-Owen said. Besides, watch what I can do. Devil-Owen did a handstand.

How does that do anything? Owen asked.

No no. He has a point Angel-Noah said.

Tell you what, Owen said to both. You guys take five, and Ill figure this out myself.

Cool, the two Owens said, and both apparitions disappeared. Owen looked around, and decided to take Noah to an animal shelter. He ran out of the woods towards the school. On his way, he bumped into a rather well built teen who was also holding a duffel bag. Both fell to the ground.

Sorry dude, Owen said, grabbing a bag.

No problem, the other teen, DJ, replied, picking the other bag.

Owen continued running to a veterinary clinic. I guess this is good enough. Owen ran in and spoke to the receptionist. Hi. I found this guy out on theuhstreet. Owen handed her the bag.

The receptionist opened the bag. You found gym clothes and you brought them here? Owen took the bag back.

GYM CLOTHES? He ran outside. Then that must mean Owen ran as fast as he could back to the school. He looked everywhere for that guy who must have taken his bag. But he was nowhere.

Oh crap, Owen said to himself. “I sure hope that doesn’t come back to haunt me…”