Total Drama Porn Story: The TDI Users Guide For Heather Chapter 1
Disclaimer: I don’t own TDI, TDA, Heather, or references.
Author’s Note: Hoo boy, here she is; it’s the girl everyone hates, Heather! Seriously, I don’t hate her at all, because I can appreciate a good villain (how often are villains discriminated against in media, anyway? Last time I checked the Joker is more popular than Batman himself…) Regardless, I’m writing her here as if everyone hates her. Enjoy.
THE USERS GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR
HEATHER
Copyright ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc.
Greetings, dear customer. May I be the first to say you have made a very poor purchase in this HEATHER unit. Each HEATHER unit is good for hours upon hours of pain and sufferingunless youre actually buying her as a voodoo doll sorta thing. In that case, satisfaction is guaranteed.
If you need instructions on how to maximize the torture of your HEATHER unit, check out the enclosed instruction book below.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
NAME: Heather Thorn. We dont know if this is her real last name; we just wanted to crack a terrible pun.
TYPE: EVILLLLL!!!!! EVILLLLL!!!!! EVILLLLL!!!!!
MANUFACTURERS: The best company ever, ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc.
HEIGHT: 59
WEIGHT: 115 lbs
SIZE: The HAROLD unit can attest to it.
COLOR: Either black or no hair, and gray eyes.
ACCESSORIES
Your HEATHER unit comes packed with a full head of detachable hair, an ugly wig, a picture of her in Junior High, some pawns, and a huge mean streak. It is recommended that you do not buy any other TDI units for your HEATHER unit to interact with, unless you want to hear a lot of complaining.
Upon receiving your HEATHER unit, it is strongly recommended to bathe her by leaving her out in a thunderstorm/hurricane/tsunami/tornado/earthquake/apocalypse, then hanging her on a clothesline to dry. Then your neighbors will gossip, greatly infuriating her.
OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS
Your HEATHER unit is designed to insult most stimuli, especially if it is nerdy or fashion-challenged. Her controls are voice-activated and she will respond to commands in English, although you can also teach her various Eastern languages.
Aside from being hated around the world and being evil, your HEATHER unit has many more enjoyable uses.
Scheming: Need to get your way? No problem for your HEATHER unit, which will come up with schemes to achieve your goals. You can also set which schemes shell come up with by how many laws you want to break.
Revenge: If youve got a chip on your shoulder, simply let your HEATHER unit extract a painful prank on your adversary. Shes got a doctorate in revenge and humiliation.
Hair and Seek: A very enjoyable activity to perform with your HEATHER unit. Remove her hair and throw it into a trash compactor, then tell her you hid it somewhere in the house.
Torture: Self explanatory.
Take Over the World: The Heather and you! Yes Heather and you! One is normal, the others an evil shrew!
Dartboard: Your HEATHER units butt makes for a great dartboard. Dont be alarmed if a stray IZZY unit interrupts your dart practice and tranquilizes your HEATHER unit.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
Your HEATHER unit has full compatibility with every TDI model. All of them will try to kill her except for the HAROLD unit or the DUNCAN unit if his ACTING mode is on.
PRECAUTIONS
Please feel free to expose your HEATHER unit to HAROLD units, GWEN units, LESHAWNA units, LINDSAY units, BETH units, BEAR units, sumo wrestlers, fattening snacks, and razors. Also, try putting her in the same room as other idiotic cartoon characters; theyll drive her crazy!
FAQ
Q: Ive always been wondering; is it possible to make your HEATHER unit nice, and if so, how do you do it?
A: Ah, that is an excellent question. Our newest HEATHER units come with a special setting, known as KOBOLD NECROMANCER mode. When this mode is activated, your HEATHER unit will unwillingly fall in love with any passing EZEKIEL unit, and said EZEKIEL unit will try to make her nice. Success is questionable, unfortunately.
Q: Why is my HEATHER unit meeting with my friends in a private place, without me?
A: Your HEATHER unit is currently in ALLIANCE mode, and is wishing to use your friends as pawns. I recommend you let your friends know of your HEATHER units true intentions, and recommend that they stop meeting with her. A HEATHER unit without pawns is powerless.
Q: My HEATHER unit seems to be jealous of my two friends. Ones a goth, and the others overweight. Why?
A: Your HEATHER unit seems to think that your friends are GWEN and OWEN units, and is upset that they beat her. We recommend we get some cleaning fluid and wipe your HEATHER units eyes so she can see better. Plus the cleaning fluid will sting.
Q: Why does my dog like to chew up my HEATHER unit?
A: That is completely normal.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: My HEATHER unit is scheming and plotting to take over my life!
Solution: You might want to put away your white makeup and un-dye your hair, because HEATHER units always try to discredit goths. As an alternative, stop acting gangsta. HEATHER units do not like gangstas, either.
Problem: Whenever my HAROLD unit sees my HEATHER unit, all he says is boobies. There must be something wrong with her!
Solution: Nope, this is a glitch in your HAROLD unit. All you need to do is activate your HAROLD units MILADY mode. Then all hell say is milady.
Problem: No matter how many times I hurt, maim, destroy, unassemble, and otherwise pwn my HEATHER unit, she just wont DIE!!! I WANT HER TO DIEEEEE!!!!! *Foams at the mouth*
Solution: Sorry, rabid customer, but your HEATHER unit wont die. She is too important to the plot.
Problem: Guh, ah cant find mah crowbar!
Solution: Go jump in a lake.
WARRANTY
Your HEATHER unit does not come with a warranty. Youre just going to break her anyway.
FINAL NOTES
For any additional problems, please call our help desk, which will not serve your HEATHER unit, but will serve any of our other products every day except Christmas and August 12th. ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc. is not legally responsible for any lawsuits, fines, arson, murders, suicides, misdemeanors, felonies, or any other bad stuff caused by your HEATHER unit.
We at ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc. sincerely hope that you hate your HEATHER unit. Suckeroops, did we say that aloud?
Author’s Note: Well, that was fun to write. Just make sure that you don’t leave your discarded HEATHER unit parts here, okay? Take ’em to ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc. to be burned, sheesh!